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Your guide to medications and complementary and alternative treatments for ADD & ADHD.

Lesson 9: Yelling Rarely Solves Anything

Among the basic truths that I learned awhile ago is the fact that kids with ADHD are not easily intimidated. Instead of cowering when a parent yells, these patients will yell back, which leads to some pretty upsetting moments for all. In my classes, I attempt to teach parents (and kids) how to solve problems by finding out:

1. What the other person wants
2. What the other person might fear.

When two people are struggling to solve a personal problem, it often boils down to having different needs and unspoken fears.

Here's an example:

Teen asks father to go out on a Saturday. Father says no, because "you went out last night". Kid erupts "Why can't I go out tonight too? What's wrong with that?". Father says, "I don't want to talk about it, your in for the night". Kid says "You're a jerk (or worse). Father grounds kid for the rest of the weekend. Kid slams off to his room

Typical? Now let's consider needs. When I asked the father what was behind his "No", he initially was puzzled. But I pursued this. He finally acknowledged that he missed spending time with his kid and wanted to do more together as a family. However, he never told his kid that.... and his kid never really asked. We spent time discussing how the teen could spend some time with dad and still be able to visit friends for more than one time on the weekend. Took care of both needs.... Took care of the conflict.

Here's another example:

Kid asks "Can I go to the mall with my friends".
Mom says "No"
Kid says "Why not"
Mom says "Cause I said so"
Kid says "That's unfair, all my other friends can go"
Mom says "Then go live with your friends"
Kid says "Maybe I will"
Mom says "I'll help you pack"

Question: What was that all about?

When I talked to the mom, here were her needs and fears
Needs: Feeling tired from doing all the housework, wanted some help
Fears: Her daughter could be abducted.

So we talked together about if her daughter helped her, and made sure that there were at least three other girls going, and mom would drop off and pick up, and there would be a "check in" time in-between, then she could go.

Took care of needs. Took care of fears. Problem solved.

Think about how you solve conflicts. Too often we just debate the "righteousness" of our positions instead of finding out everyone's fears and needs and addressing them. Although there may be times when a request is a "non-negotiable" no ("Hey mom, could my girlfriend sleep in my room with me tonight"; "Hey dad, when you go to the store, could you buy me some cigarettes?), there are a lot of opportunities to teach your child this skill. It's one of the most important ones that you'll ever teach.